I was on a pretty certain trajectory for most of my twenties. I'd settled into a life that was good enough. My boyfriend of 5+ years wasn't as motivated or exciting as he once had been, but he was nice-ish, we didn't fight all that often, and I didn't see any better options (not that I was looking). I was doing well in my grad school career- I liked what I studied and was set to embark on a career in academia (complete with years of nose to the grindstone pre-tenure work and a first position likely to be somewhere in the middle of nowhere). I felt like I was happy enough, and like I was becoming the responsible and "normal" adult I had always assumed I would be.
I spent spring break of my 4th year of grad school working diligently in the lab, enjoying tackling my to-do list without the distraction of undergrads. Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from our lab manager- a 23 year old girl from a town near where I'd grown up who I was friendly with, but who I never socialized with outside the lab. She'd been in at the beginning of the week and knew I was spending my days working. She told me that she had some friends in town and invited me to join them for dinner, saying she thought I must need a break. Though it was against the nature of who I had become at the time, I decided to accept this unplanned invitation, and headed downtown to meet them.
That evening changed my life.
I spent spring break of my 4th year of grad school working diligently in the lab, enjoying tackling my to-do list without the distraction of undergrads. Wednesday afternoon, I got a call from our lab manager- a 23 year old girl from a town near where I'd grown up who I was friendly with, but who I never socialized with outside the lab. She'd been in at the beginning of the week and knew I was spending my days working. She told me that she had some friends in town and invited me to join them for dinner, saying she thought I must need a break. Though it was against the nature of who I had become at the time, I decided to accept this unplanned invitation, and headed downtown to meet them.
That evening changed my life.
We didn't do anything special- dinner at a cajun restaurant, drinks, and then I'm pretty sure we watched a movie at the lab manager's house- but I had so much fun. I laughed more, talked more freely, and felt less encumbered by the life I thought I was building for myself than I had in years. I don't know exactly what it was- maybe it was the fact that they were all a few years younger than me and didn't seem to be in such a rush to grow up- but suddenly I became aware that I had built myself into a corner of a life that I wasn't so positive I wanted anymore. I felt alive and energized, and I wanted to chase that feeling.
It sounds silly to attribute so much to a single night, but that evening made me realize how unhappy I was, and how many choices and options I was ignoring. I felt like my blinders had been removed for the first time- I'd been on such a straight and narrow path that I hadn't even recognized that other possibilities existed. I saw that while I had been 'happy enough' before, that wasn't going to be good enough- I had the ability to make myself as happy as I wanted to be, and I was in control. It was freeing and terrifying and exhilarating.
In the next year, I broke up with my good-enough boyfriend, decided not to apply for professorships after I received my Ph.D. and instead stay in the paradise that is Santa Barbara, and sought out new activities and adventures in a way I never had. I rediscovered passions that I had forgotten while I was so driven to achieve my previous definition of success- it's amazing what you have time for when you're no longer trying to be the best at something that you don't really love. I became active in my community, joined sports teams, traveled, and moved into a house with people I met on craigslist. I was giddy and excited at the possibilities that lay before me.
While things have settled down as years have passed (marriage and a baby make it harder to drop everything and fly to Mexico...), I've held on to the memory of that night as reminder of who I want to be and how I want to live my life. It's such a small thing, but I credit that unplanned evening with a great deal of the happiness I'm lucky to have today.
It sounds silly to attribute so much to a single night, but that evening made me realize how unhappy I was, and how many choices and options I was ignoring. I felt like my blinders had been removed for the first time- I'd been on such a straight and narrow path that I hadn't even recognized that other possibilities existed. I saw that while I had been 'happy enough' before, that wasn't going to be good enough- I had the ability to make myself as happy as I wanted to be, and I was in control. It was freeing and terrifying and exhilarating.
In the next year, I broke up with my good-enough boyfriend, decided not to apply for professorships after I received my Ph.D. and instead stay in the paradise that is Santa Barbara, and sought out new activities and adventures in a way I never had. I rediscovered passions that I had forgotten while I was so driven to achieve my previous definition of success- it's amazing what you have time for when you're no longer trying to be the best at something that you don't really love. I became active in my community, joined sports teams, traveled, and moved into a house with people I met on craigslist. I was giddy and excited at the possibilities that lay before me.
While things have settled down as years have passed (marriage and a baby make it harder to drop everything and fly to Mexico...), I've held on to the memory of that night as reminder of who I want to be and how I want to live my life. It's such a small thing, but I credit that unplanned evening with a great deal of the happiness I'm lucky to have today.
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